I hate to travel. Especially when flying. Sitting next to a random stranger that is using too much of that single armrest you share. The dude in front doesn't case that there's no space for you, he has A RIGHT to recline his seat into your knees.
You never recline yourself, because you already feel the knees from the dude behind all the way up your spine anyhow.
Then they pass by with free "coffee", organic coffee, which 110% offsets any sort of co2 emission you're responsible for when deciding to take the plane.
If you're lucky you're by the window so that you don't have people asking you to move every 15 minutes so they can use the bathroom. No worries that radiation is like a thousand times higher by the window (climate change will kill you before you get affected anyhow).
Someone decided to bring their baby. To ensure that it gets a traumatic experience for life, feeling the pressure almost implore their innocent tiny ears. If they didn't scream so the rest of us can't rest, I would, for their sake.
You end up reading that shit glossy magazine. Filled of advertisement pretending to be stories. How Airlines are great and allow you to select biofuel. The ceo of the airline bragging that they've donated 10.000 euro to give to a women's collective in Mozambique. Huge sacrifice.
You read the mandatory co2-news from BMW, Mercedes and the airline. They're so nice to the environment, just go out and buy 10 new cars and the world is co2 free.
Next page is the advertisement for flying to the Seychelles, because, you're so worth it after your executive job at an office selling crap to crap people is stressing you out.
The toilet line (yeah you needed to ask 2 random sleeping people to move first) is long. You get in and there's always someone that missed the toilet so there's pee on the floor. The sink is full of water, noone knows how to empty it.
You make an inhumane 180 degree turn, that you need to be a contortionist to do almost, to sit down on the toilet. You can't take off your noise cancelling headphones because it's not only cold as fuck in here, but it's so fucking loud. You hit your head against the sloping wall.
You can't relax, there's a queue outside, so you only do number 1, number 2 you'll do at the airport, in a room where someone illegally smoked and threw the butt in the sink clogging it up, so it really smells wet cigarette.
When you leave the toilet, you somehow forget how to flush the sink after washing your hands, the paper towels are impossible to get out so you air wipe and use your pants. People try to enter the bathroom before you're almost out.
You go back to your seat and when passing the emergency exit aisle you see some people at least 150 years old sitting there. They wanted some more legroom even though they've shrunk to 110cm and the airline had no problem selling those seats that only lifeguards should have.
But don't worry, in case of an emergency, remember that there's that one time a plane landed on water and someone actually survived! They even made a tom hanks movie about it.
Because a life west for being in the water makes so much more sense for an airplane than a boat. All boats of course have parachutes as life wests.
Now you've spent 30 minutes on board and the rest of the trip is just pure purgatory, longing for landing. You can't use your phone, no space for your computer. If you pay 15 euros you can use some crap Internet that works at least 60% of the time.
Online Payments using credit cards when you get so bored that you buy whatever shit they're selling as taxfree (but bump up the base price 100%, but sure, technically tax free), still works flawlessly. That universal charger kit for 45eur is gonna be really handy in your closet.
Then you arrive at the airport. People clap when you land because, I don't fucking know why? We always clap when the bus stops?
You stand up in the aisle since your back is broken. You can't stand straight because you'll hit your head instead. Someone farts, they've been trying to hold it but it's impossible. People start taking their things, bumping into you all the time.
Time is precious now, we need to hurry to get first on-board the same bus taking us to the terminal. There we need to hurry to the luggage line where you'll end up waiting for the luggage 15 minutes longer than the full flight time.
Don't worry, your trip isn't over. You're tired as fuck from the trip, and hungry. You buy a cheap 15 euro baguette before heading over to the taxi stands.
The taxi promises flat rates. You ask the price, it's all flat rates. When close to home they say, this part of town is not really the right part of town for that flat rate. It's another 25 euro. It's 2am and even though you probably have a valid reason for murder, you pay.
And the day after, you brag about your fucking trip on Instagram and start planning for the next.
Fuck this shit. I'm gonna take the train, my bike or just never gonna travel anymore.